Sweeney Odd A Parody
by Junior Pirate
Summary: No, that is not a typo. Things are odd in this Sweeney Todd parody, but they stick to the main structure of the story. For example, Sweeney seems to have some character traits that are oddly familiar and just wait till you see the others! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sweeney Todd. If I owned it it would not have had the ending it did.**

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**A dark ship sails into the harbour. A very buff manly man covered in tattoos and with a beard down to his collarbone is standing at the rail.

Manly Man: I have sailed the world aboard it's great ships from the _Queen Mary_ to the _Titanic_, but there's no ship like this one.

Sweeney Todd: No there's no ship like this one.

Manly man: Mr. Todd?

Todd: Anthony? You seem different, somehow. Nose job, perhaps?

Manly Man (Anthony): Guess what! I'm not Jamie Campbell Bower!

Todd: Shock horror!

Anthony: I'm his stunt double, but people can never tell us apart because we're so much alike.

Todd: ...?

Anthony: When I auditioned to be cast as a stunt double for Jamie I resembled him more than anyone else there! They cast me as soon as they laid their eyes on me... Oh, wait, no that last bit isn't quite true. There was someone else who looked like Jamie even more than me, but it turned out that that person wasn't quite what they were after.

Todd: It was a woman, wasn't it?

Anthony: How did you know?

Todd: Just a hunch.

Anthony: So where were we?

Todd: _There's a hole in the world like a great black pit_

_And the bad ships of the world inhabit it_

_But there's one ship that's better than the rum I sip_

_And it goes by the name of The Black Pearl_

_At the top of the hole sit a privileged few_

_Beckett, Barbossa and Davy too_

_Barbossa stole my ship and I can't even sue_

_I have sailed the world, beheld it's wonders_

_For the cruelty of men is as sad as the Titanic_

_But this ship has nothing on The Black Pearl_

Anthony *is a bit slow*: Is everything alright Mr. Todd?

They have now left the ship and are at the edge of a large town.

Mr. Todd: I beg your indulgence Anthony, but this looks nothing like Tortuga.

Anthony: Tortuga? Sir we're not in Tortuga, we're in London.

Mr. Todd: Darn! I knew we should have taken a left turn at Singapore.

Anthony takes a step back.

Mr. Todd: There was a pirate and his ship

And she was beautiful

A foolish pirate and his ship

But a man with a scraggly beard below his lip

Saw that she was beautiful

And she was the fastest in the Caribbean

And the pirate was naive.

Flashback scene 15 years before: Sweeney Todd sails the black pearl. He shouts orders to his crew who run to obey his commands. He is so happy that he is nearly unrecognisable and he seems to have had a haircut since.

Mr. Todd: This other man who saw

That she was beautiful

He wanted to be her captain

Though he was better as a Map-man

Stole the ship with his sharp claws

While the pirate was busy with some whores

And she would fall

So fast

So young

So Freedom

And oh, so beautiful!

Anthony: And the ship... Did she sink?

Todd: Oh that was many years before

I wouldn't be so sure.

Anthony: So uh... Maybe we can see each other again sometime. Where do you live? Can I have your number? Email address? Facebook? MySpace? Twitter? LiveJournal, perhaps? Are you on MSN? Do you Skype?

Sweeney is seriously freaked out. Why has Sailor Boy started talking another language? He quickly walks away from Anthony and pulls out his iphone. He dials quickly.

Todd: Hello?...Uh, there's this guy who's trying to cyber stalk me...Ah, Officer Hanson, I'm Sweeney Todd...

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**End of the first Chapter! What did you guys think? Please review, I have been very review malnourished since my debut as an author on . Plus I promise to read and review one of your stories if you review mine as a way of saying thanks. Also no offense meant to Jamie Cambell Bower or any of his fans. I'm only joking about him looking like a chick, I actually think he's pretty hot. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. However if any of you know him, can you please tell him to call me? Thanks!**

Sweeney Todd has gotten away from Anthony and is quite pleased with himself for doing so. Little does he know that he is about to run into someone who will annoy him more than Anthony ever did.

He looks around the city. He has arrived at Fleet Street now and is beginning to feel a little hungry.

Sweeney: Golden arches, golden arches... where are they... I WANT A MCHAPPY MEAL!

Suddenly he comes across a quaint little shop. He opens the door and takes a step inside.

Sweeney: This shop seems somewhat familiar, have I held you up before?

Mrs. Lovett:

_A delivery!_

_Wait stay right there!_

_I'm Mrs Lovett_

_How on earth did you ever_

_Get out of your box?_

_Half a minute can't ye sit?_

_Sit ye down_

_SIT!_

_All I meant is that I haven't been delivered a hot guy in weeks_

_Are you wrapped in bubble wrap, sir?_

_Do forgive me if I'm in a state of shock_

_What was that?_

_It's rare to get any good stock_

_Which means the singles keep avoiding_

_No you don't_

_Heaven knows I try sir_

_I'd sell hot guys, but they just never come_

_But, now you're here so would you like a drop of rum?_

Mrs. Lovett passes a bottle of rum to Sweeney who turns it upside down.

Sweeney: Why is the rum gone?

Mrs Lovett ignores him and continues her song.

_Mind you I can hardly blame them_

_These are probably the worst guys in London_

_I know why nobody cares to date them_

_I should know_

_I hate them_

_They'll make bad beaus _

_The worst guys in London_

_They're just so impolite_

_The Worst guys in London_

_They're so ugly it's a sight _

Mrs Lovett shows Sweeney their Catalogue which is full of the most awful men you have ever seen. They have comb overs, sweat patches and somehow all look like Justin Bieber.

_They're nasty and greasy_

_With big ears and fat tums_

_When you meet them they're sleazy_

_You'll need a swig of rum_

_The worst guys in London_

_And no wonder with the price of keep _

_What it is when you get guys_

_It's so hard to make profits_

_Just from keeping them all fed._

_I'll admit I'm tempted to _

_let them all drop dead_

_Mrs. Mooney has a guy shop _

_Does her business but I've noticed something weird_

_All the neighbours' daughters' beaus have disappeared_

_Have to hand it to her_

_What I calls enterprise_

_Using Exper'enced guys_

_Wouldn't do it in my shop_

_Catching all those young men _

_would take quite a while_

_And their girlfriends would_

_Chase me with nail files_

_No denying times is hard sir_

_Even harder than the worst guys in London_

Sweeney raises an eyebrow and then quickly shakes his head.

_Dead brain cells and nothing more_

_Aren't they just terrible?_

_All sweaty and smelly_

_They've got really bad habits_

_They eat lint from their bellies_

_But what can I do? _

_If they smell like poo?_

_They're the worst guys in London_

_Ah sir_

_Times is hard_

_Times is hard!_

With these words Mrs. Lovett squashes a beetle that is crawling along the counter.

Sweeney: You can keep doing that forever, the beetles are never going to move on.

Mrs. Lovett: Well excuse me if I haven't resigned myself to the health inspector's wrath just yet.

Sweeney watches as all manner of insects came acclimated to his prescience.

Sweeney: No seriously, how do you deal with the health inspectors?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh those guys? I just put them into storage. I sold one last week.

Sweeney begins to sweat.

Mrs. Lovett: I pretty much just grab any men I can. You know, fellas who walk down the street, the mailman, the milkman...

Sweeney's breathing gets heavier.

Mrs. Lovett: Have you noticed how there's no one living in the other houses on the street? The owners are in boxes in my attic...

Sweeney runs to the door and tugs on the handle, but it is locked. He then notices the barred windows.

Mrs. Lovett: Anywho, enough about them. Are you fragile? Will I need to pack you in Styrofoam?

Sweeney hugs his knees to his chest, rocks back and forth and starts to wail.

Sweeney: I shoulda gone to Macca's .*sob*

** A/N Thank-you to all those who read and reviewed. Please continue to review and tell me what it was about my story that you liked/disliked so that I can write the future chapters to your liking. And I will continue to keep my word of reviewing one of your stories to say thanks if you review mine. (:**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:**_I do not own Sweeney Todd. If I did it would probably not end well. I would give him a flying-tackle-hug and he would kill me. I think I had better not own him._

**A/N Thank-you to everyone who reviewed! Thank-you so much! I love reviews so much! You should see how I react when I get one. Wow. Anyway please enjoy the next instalment and forgive me for not updating sooner. Homework's been really heavy lately and I recently got more shifts at work. Life's been go go go, but enough about me. Here I welcome everyone's favourite dysfunctional couple: Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett!**

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Mrs. Lovett: You know Sir, I don't think I will put you in a cardboard box, because then none of the customers cough*me*cough would be able to see your amazingly hot face! I'll just put you in gladwrap instead!

Sweeney Todd realises he's going to have to fight back. He reaches into his pockets in search of anything that could be used as a weapon.

Sweeney: Stay back! Or I will hurt you with this...*searches coat pocket* Echidna! Yes, Mrs. Lovett, this bloodthirsty spiky creature from Australia will...

Sweeney picks the echidna up by the quills. BIG MISTAKE.

Sweeney: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Sweeney's hands are covered in pricks where the quills were, not that you can see the little stab wounds of course because there is blood pouring out of them. Suddenly Sweeney starts having all these flash backs. Turns out he was never a pirate at all. No, he was a police constable with modern ideas. He wasn't in love with a ship, but instead with a girl who had bewitched him. He hadn't been in search of Tortuga, he was in search of Sle...

These memories are too much for Sweeney. He faints.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh dear.

Mrs. Lovett sits down on the floor next to where Sweeney is lain. She brushes a lock of hair from his face.

Mrs. Lovett: *Is completely oblivious to Sweeney's flashbacks* There, there, now luv. It was a long trip wasn't it?

Sweeney begins to wake up.

Mrs. Lovett: There we go. You're alright. You just rest now and I'll... I'll tell you a story. Yes, let's see...

*sings*

_There was a constable and his wife_

_And he was beautiful_

_Bringing justice to all the strife_

_But a horseman tried to take his life_

_And he was beautiful!_

_Crane, his name was._

_Ichabod Crane._

Sweeney: What was his crime?

Mrs. Lovett: Cowardice. Honestly, he would get scared if there was a spider! And he was constantly hiding behind his girlfriend or his assistant –

Sweeney: HEY!

Mrs. Lovett: ...?

Sweeney: I mean, uh, let's not get off topic. So, back the song?

_Flashback scene to Katrina Van Tassel's upstairs room. She is with Young Masbath and looking out of the window._

_Mrs. Lovett:_

_He had this wife, you see,_

_Pretty little thing_

_Had the face of a kid_

_Liked watching a bird in a cage when she turned string_

_Poor Thing_

_Poor Thing_

_There was this horseman you see_

_Wanted her head like mad_

_Every day he made her life really sour_

_She couldn't even kill him with her witch power_

_Her husband promised to protect her every hour_

_Poor fool_

_Ah, but there was worse yet to come_

_Poor thing_

_Her stepmother calls on her all polite_

_Poor thing_

_Poor thing_

_The horseman, she tells her, is all contrite_

_Yes, he feels really sorry_

_And everything will be alright_

_If she just meets him down by his tree –_

Sweeney: Wait! Wait! So Katrina just accepted his invitation? She wasn't suspicious or anything?

Mrs. Lovett: She was a bit of a dumb blonde I guess.

Sweeney: HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY DARLING –

Mrs. Lovett: Hang on a minute... How did you know her name was Katrina? I haven't told you that yet.

Sweeney: Ummm. Oooh I have another question. Where's her Husband? Why wasn't he there to protect her?

Mrs. Lovett: Him? Oh, he had been sent off to investigate other murders. A constable's work is never done, you know. Hang on... Ah yes I remember now. He had been sent off the investigate the "Jack The Ripper" murders using the undercover name of "Frederick Abberline"...

Sweeney: *squints in concerntration* Why does that sound so familiar?... So, you wanna finish the story?

_Flashback scene to the Headless Horseman's tree._

Mrs. Lovett:

_Of course when she goes there_

_Poor thing_

_Poor thing_

_All the heads just roll out of the tree_

_Heads of people she knows there_

_Poor dear_

_Poor thing_

_Including her father's, so her heart sinks_

_Poor thing_

'_The horseman's rather mean' she thinks_

_Poor Thing_

"_Oh where's the headless horseman?" she asks_

_He was there at the tree_

_Only not so sorry_

_She took out her magical wand, ye see_

_And tried to magic herself away_

_But that's when the horseman chopped off her head_

_One moment a dumb blonde the next she was dead_

_Poor Soul_

_Poor Thing_

Sweeney: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! She didn't have blonde hair. It was yellow.

Mrs. Lovett: What?

Sweeney: Uh... I mean NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Would no one have mercy on her?

Mrs. Lovett: So it is you then. Ichabod Crane.

Sweeney Todd: I have not yet said it is. No, that man has fainted for the final time. It's Todd now. And he will have his revenge.

Mrs. Lovett: No one will suspect you of being a villian. You were so nice many years ago.

Sweeney Todd: Villainy wears many masks, none of which so dangerous as virtue. Where is Young Masbath?

Mrs. Lovett: He's got him.

Sweeney: He?

Mrs. Lovett: Judge Turtle. The Headless Horseman in other words, but he's changed his name to Judge Turtle now. He has a head now too. I'll tell you how he got it. When he came over from New York to London he decided to brush up on English literature.

Sweeney Todd: English literature?

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah, he started reading this really popular series called "Harry Potter" , but one character called Snape was really evil and killed this character called Dumbledore so the headless horseman got angry and killed Snape, took his head, sewed it onto his neck and the rest is history.

Sweeney Todd: How do you know that? About Harry Potter, I mean.

Mrs. Lovett: Well let's just say I've always felt a certain connection with that series...

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**The more reviews I get the sooner I update! ;D And do tell me what you would like to see more of in the future so i can adjust this story to your liking. Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4: My Ends

**A/N I'm back! Sorry I took so long to upload. As a way of making up for it, I have made this chapter extra long. Yay! Please enjoy and excuse me for surrounding the song with large chunks of dialog. This scene just has so much parodying potential, y' know?**

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Mrs. Lovett takes Sweeney out of the room, in order to lead him to his old barber shop. When they step outside onto the streets of London, Sweeney stands there for a few moments, taking in the atmosphere.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Mr. T, it's not really a good idea to loiter in Fleet Street.

**Sweeney:** Why not?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Because the Beadle's changed since you were last here. He's much more nasty now, and he has a retractable cane. He likes to walk around and bash people with it.

**Sweeney:** As if! Beadle Bamford is nothing but a sucker.

.

_Flashback: 15 years ago Benjamin Barker and Lucy run into__Beadle Bamford at St. Dunstan's Market._

_**Benjamin **__(winking at Lucy and saying in a loud voice): Smells like up dog._

_**Beadle Bamford:**__ What's up dog?_

_**Benjamin:**__ Nothin' much, bitch. How about you? Haha! Got you again Bamford!_

_Beadle Bamford sulks and runs away. Benjamin and Lucy hi-five each other and laugh._

_End Flashback._

_._

**Sweeney:** Good times...

**Mrs. Lovett:** Believe what you will, Mr. Todd. Don't say I didn't warn you.

She hurries up the stairs and into the barber shop. Sweeney casually looks down a nearby street to see Beadle Bamford bashing up Anthony. Fortunately, females all over the world need not lose sleep over the matter, as it is still the manly Anthony stunt-double from the first chapter.

**Beadle Bamford** (as he bashes the manly Anthony): I like my sailors to be young and pretty! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Hiding behind a nearby lamppost, Jamie Campbell Bower is finding this very funny indeed.

**Tim Burton:** You're on, Bower!

**Jamie Campbell Bower:** Damn...

Sweeney has not seen all this, just the angry Beadle. He cannot believe that the Beadle has changed so much and realises that Beadle probably has a lot of bottled-up feelings about his past teasings. Sweeney does not want to end up on the wrong side of the Beadle's retractable cane.

Sweeney sprints as fast as he can up the stairs of his old Barber Shop. Mrs. Lovett looks up and is happy to be proved right.

**Sweeney** (panicked)**:** It was Beadle Bamford with a retractable cane!

**Mrs. Lovett:** You must not excite yourself.

**Sweeney:** But it was Beadle Bamford with a retractable cane!

**Mrs. Lovett:** Of course it was. That's why you're here.

**Sweeney:** No, you must believe me. It was Beadle Bamford, a nasty one. With a retractible cane.

**Mrs. Lovett:** I know, I know.

**Sweeney:** You don't know because you were not there. It's all true.

**Mrs. Lovett: **Of-course it is. I told you. Everyone told you.

**Sweeney:** I... saw him. _[faints]_

**Mrs. Lovett:** Mr. T! Stop this fainting, it isn't like you!

**Sweeney:** Sorry, Mrs. Lovett. I guess I just have low self-esteem. I feel insecure about my hair, particularly my ends.

**Mrs. Lovett:** There, there. I know what will make you feel more confident. Come on.

She crosses the room and lifts a loose floorboard from the floor, reaching inside.

**Mrs. Lovett:** When they came for the girl I hid it.

**Sweeney:** And you didn't think to hide the girl?

**Mrs. Lovett: **Dang! I knew there was something else I was meant to do that day.

**Sweeney:** *facepalm*

Mrs. Lovett draws an old, dust-covered box from the hole in the floor. Background music starts to play. She passes the box to Sweeney who opens it, revealing a hand-held mirror. He uses it to look at his hair.

**Mrs. Lovett: **These angels is chased silver, ain't they?

**Sweeney:** My hair is not silver! My skunk-stripe is very handsome and fashionable.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the day, love. Now, you just sing your song while I do a Judge Turpin.

**Sweeney: **'Do a Judge Turpin'?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Fleet Street slang. It means perve.

.

**Sweeney:**_ These are my ends_

_See how they're splitten._

_Though the fault is not mine_

**Mrs. Lovett:**_ "_Huh? You mean it's hereditary?"Sweeney nods.

_My mother's hair was a fright!_

_My Ends!_

_My disadvantaged ends..._

_Help me my ends_

_Tell me_

_Shall I shampoo you?_

_I know, I know I should have curled you every night_

_All these years, wa-vy_

_My ends_

_Well I've come home_

_To find you need updating_

_Moan! You get worse in bad weather_

**Mrs. Lovett:** "Mr. T, what you need is a hairdresser. A good one, who understands womanly things and can fix your hair up for you. Someone who will understand. Ahem. Hint, hint."

Points to self.

Sweeney nods, failing to notice Mrs. Lovett's motions and sends a text message to someone he believes can help. A few streets away, Anthony's phone rings.

**Sweeney**_**:**__ Sailor boy'll do wonders_

_Won't he?_

_You there, my ends_

**Mrs. Lovett **(In sync with Sweeney)**: **I have ends too, Mr. Todd

_I could cure you, Mr. Todd_

_Ooh, Mr. Todd_

_With a braid, down your back,_

_And a comb_

Mrs. Lovett self-consciously touches her own hair.

_Always had a fondness, for hair, I did._

**Sweeney **( in sync with Mrs. Lovett)**: **_Come let my plait you_

_Now, with a tie, you're a braid down my back_

_My ends_

_My improving ends_

**Mrs. Lovett **(in sync with Sweeney)**:**_ Never you fear Mr. Todd_

_I'll make your hair less queer Mr, Todd._

_Mr. Todd, with straightners._

**Sweeney **(in sync with Mrs. Lovett)**:**_Rest now my ends,_

_Soon I'll uncurl you_

_Soon you'll know straighteners_

_You never have dreamed_

_All you bad hair days will be yours!_

_My luscious ends!_

_Til now your shine was merely hair mousse_

**Mrs. Lovett:** _I can make you bewilder!_ What? You didn't say the word 'silver'? Do you know how long it took me to rhyme with that word? Mrs. Mooney told me last week that nothing rhymes with silver, purple or orange and I was sure I could prove her wrong, but now you've –

**Sweeney: **_Ends! You'll soon be clipped with rubies!_

Sweeney walks over to a mirror and begins experimenting with one of Mrs. Lovett's ruby encrusted hair clips.

**Sweeney:**_ Clipped back with precious rubies._

**Mrs. Lovett:** Hehe. I can think of something else that rhymes with that. How about '_Stripped back to precious nudies'?_

**Sweeney:** Mrs. Lovett, you have sunk to a new low. Hang on a minute... That's the second time this author has mentioned me stripping in one of her fanfics. Do you think there's some underlying meaning to that?

Unfortunately, the author does not give Sweeney an answer and he has to finish his song.

**Sweeney:**_ At last! My wig is comple- I mean, My hair is complete again!_

_._

Cue the dramatic music, and the famous shot of Sweeney, holding his ruby hairclip as the camera pans back showing the window, then Mrs. Lovett's roof top, then the roof tops of London.

**Mrs. Lovett:** Tim! You promised you wouldn't show my rooftop! It needs re-tiling and it's absolutely covered with moss! I was going to get my guys to clean and re-tile it, but you know what slackers they are. And besides, last time they went up there they scared all the birds away. The complaints from Judge Turtle's ward made me never want to show my face in public again.

**Sweeney:** You shouldn't; you have a horrible face. Nearly as bad as someone I once knew from my younger days. Hatch-face? Uh... Hackett-Face? No. Hockey-face?

Undeterred, Mrs. Lovett continues.

**Mrs. Lovett:** I can't afford to have the neighbour see my roof when this movie comes out. You see, my reputation couldn't really get any worse... Everyone still thinks I murdered my over-sized husband.

**Sweeney:** Did you?

**Mrs. Lovett:** That's beside the point.

**Sweeney:** The point of your knife?

**Mrs. Lovett:** No silly, the point of my machete. It's much more womanly than a knife.

**Sweeney:** Looks like Anthony isn't the only one around here with gender-confusion. Oh well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Sweeney walks over to Mrs. Lovett's closet and goes digging around to find more ruby hair clips. He soon discovers an angora sweater. Suddenly there is a pecking at the window. Sweeney sees a Woodpecker.

**Sweeney:** I've always thought that Woodpecker was a good surname to have, except for it being too long. I would shorten it to Wood. Don't be too hard on Tim, Mrs. Lovett. Directing is a hard job, believe me. So can I borrow one of your angora sweaters some time?

**Mrs. Lovett:** Oh boy, I'm feeling another character change coming on. The pirate and the constable were alright I guess. Is it that time again, Mr. T?

**Sweeney:** Yup! It's that time of the month.

**Mrs. Lovett: **Gee, this gender-confusion thing's more serious than I thought.

Suddenly Big Ben starts to chime in the background. Sweeney runs over to Mrs. Lovett in a panic.

**Sweeney:** Mrs. Lovett! This scene ended ages ago! We shouldn't be here anymore.

Mrs. Lovett checks the time and jumps.

**Mrs. Lovett:** You're right! Quick!

And the two of them ran out the door, down the stairs and ducked behind the pie shop counter before the readers could follow their adventures any further.

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**A/N Who can spot the Johnny Depp movie references? LOL!**

**What did you think? Please leave a review, money can't buy them, which makes them all the more valuable.**

**In the next chapter, Johanna comes to blows with Tim Burton over song choices and Judge Turpin sings about porn (Not graphically, he only uses the word porn). Stay tuned!**


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